day three

Today l cried l promised myself that l wouldn't and l have held myself together but today it got the better of me. I keep thinking of my nan laying on a cold slab in the hospital morgue and that is really hard to deal with l now know why people say remember them as you last saw them. I remember her always so busy and full of life its so hard to deal with the fact that she is dead. All of us are having to find a way to deal with our grief we all have our "if onlys". I wish l had called her after l saw her at mums l wish l had gone to see her. I wish when she was here l hadn't taken her back to that house but she wanted to go.

Daniel my eldest has taken it really hard this is the first time any of us have had to deal with death directly and its really hard. He wants to use £100 of his wages to pay for a big flower arrangement.I am going to let him because thats his way of coping and l think its admirable for a lad of his age to want to do that for his nan.

My brother thinks someone who my mum hates and didn't know my nan should come to the funeral.I am furious and told him so. This is about us grieving for my nan and mum saying goodbye to her mum not a public spectacle for the town gypo.