Dear Nanny

I have been thinking a lot about you today, l feel like l can feel your presence around me nan and that comforts me more than you can know. I wish the day of the twins party that l had got you a taxi to come and be with us nan. I am so sorry l feel bad every day for that. Christmas this year will not be the same with out you how can it ever be the same again. Death has slapped us all in the face so very hard. You were always there for us if we wanted someone to talk to and my guilt is that we let you down. I think all we can do is try and make sure we live life to the full in future and to enjoy life and our relaionships. Thats the legacy that you have left us with nan so you can be proud of that. I still have a cry nearly every day l don't see that ending because thats the kind of person that l am. I havent seen Robert, Sam has a few times and he ignores him which is okay by us l know you would probably tell us to forgive Robert but l can't nan. He took you away from us all his choices will affect us for ever. We never had the chance to say goodbye. I wonder what it was like for you. Did you know you were dying did you know that we loved you and do love you so very much.I wish we could make it up to you. You will laugh at this l was going to have a tattoo done!!!! I felt like l needed something permanent to remember you by but thinking about it l am not sure l can face the pain!. I have decided that l am going to make a donation to Action on Elder Abuse every month to help other old people who might find themselves in your position. You are not alone nanny it happens every day in the week nan. Relatives abuse their relatives the very people who gave them life. I can't belive a relative would treat someone that way. I would never treat you like that nan you are lovely. You were the light of my kids lives they adored you. They have been devastated by the loss. Daisy and Adam point you out in the photos they will never forget you nan. I will make sure of that.

Love Sarah xx

P.S day one of my diet went well yesterday !! x

Dear Nanny

Hi Nanny,
I know l havent written in a while but you ar not out of my thoughts. I think of you every day. I have the usual worries going on you know me. Its money and the diet!!!!. If a magic wand could sort them out l would be really happy. I havent been able to get rid of the stone l put on when you died nan l have tried l really have and sometimes l can manage to lose a few pounds but then its back on the nest week. I know Del is looking at me thinking its going to go back on. What can l do nan. I get to lunch time and then l just lose all my will power.We are all still grieving for you and its so hard. I went to your grave last week with fresh flowers and l wanted to cry l miss you nan. I wish we could have you back for just an hour to say goodbye properly. Did you know how much you were loved nan? did we take you for granted?Your last years which should have been spent in comfort were spent in hell we can't take that back and that is what hurts so much. You were truly loved but so let down at the end. I hate Robert for what he has done l will never ever forgive him for what he did to you him and that scumbag Kieran they are the scum of the earth.Del is away at the moment on a golfing trip so l am here on my own thinking about todays diet failure and how it will be different tomorrow. I can't watch soaps anymore without thinking of you you lovedyour soaps you loved a gossip about the latest plots and what was going on with who.It was the twis parents evening yesterday she said Adam is really shy. Not at home!! He really is a gentle giant like his dad untill he is upset!!.

Love Sarah.

Dear Nanny

Hello nanny. Its your 84th birhday today and l have been thinking about you all day. You are never out of my thoughts any way but today it hits you harder you should be here we should be celebrating your special day.I feel like l want to cry all the time l still can't believe we will never see you again. I can hear your voice in my head if l shut my eyes l can see you. It doesn't make sense none of it the longer we try and make some sense of it nanny the harder it gets. I have had a bad slip on my diet again l know l know my will power is slipping badly l will try again tomorrow. I have been busy decoraing our house giving it a splash of colour del is away till thursday doing a shop refit. Ifeel like l am having my own mimi refit!!. I have been thinking of all the things you have done for us over the years l remember all those trips to france you came on with me and when you took me and jayne to dancing on ice of course that all stopped when robert moved in with you. He ook over your life. Do you remember when you came to beetle drives with me and paul sayell? H e was a mouse compared to me huh!! Th e quiet in the house has stopped so l will finish for now love you nanny happy birthday.

Sarah xxxx

Dear Nanny

Hi Nanny,

Everyone is in bed so l thought l would drop you a line to tell you how things are. Its day two of my diet and l'm feeling ok about it l have to keep the end goal in sight and its only 3 months. I miss you nan l can't believe we will never see you again. its so hard l suppose it will get easier but how do we get over you nanny. I can never forgive robert for what he put you through in the last days of your life. This christmas will not be the same no christmas will ever be the same again. or birthdays

Sarah xx

Dear Nanny

Hi Nanny,
Well l bet you guessed my diet didn't go well yesterday but l got on the scales this morning and now l know l have to get back on track l worked too hard to put it all back on l would be letting so many people down if l did that.Including you nan do you remember you told me how well l'd done when l saw you at mums. I don't want to let anyone down and l promised myself that l will be in that dress for Christmas.Jayne will be over in a minute so l can print some photos off of you. I don't have many and l want to keep you alive in my house nanny. You will never be forgotten l wish we could just have 5 more minutes to tell you how much we love you.

Sarah x

Dear Nanny

Hello nanny its been a couple of days but l haven't forgotten you nanny. I thought l would let you know whats been happening in your family this week. Stephen decided to disappear yesterday for 6 hours we we on the verge of calling the police when he appeared round the corner full of attitude. I was on the verge of calling the police maybe l shouldn't always think the worst but in this day and age you have to assume the worst first l think. I haven't decided what punishment to give him yet l don't think he cares what it is cos hes been out now. I miss you so much nan its not getting any easier. Yesterday we drove through winslow on the way to Daniels football match in Aylesbury and all l could think of was you, you walked up and down that road for over 60 years and you will never do it again. Life doesn't seem fair l know we all talk about dying its something that will happen to us all but when it touches you in such a quick and sudden way its so hard to deal with. I keep looking at your photograph and l can't believe we will never talk to you again you will never see Daisy and Adam grow up. We always think there will be a tomorrow to say things and do things but the hard truth is that one day there won't be. That is such a harsh lesson for us to learn. Some of haven't grasped it yet nan but they will.You will live for ever in our hearts l will never let my children forget you and all that you were. Daniel scored a goal at football yesterday he was so happy. His confidence is on such a high at the moment. He has changed so much since the bad days nan. He is still a bad tempered teenager but he is so lovely at times you could almost forget the past. I was so angry at the twins school today Adam likes me to walk him right in but today she grabbed him at the door and pulled him away from me. Poor Adam was in floods of tears and Daisy looked all hurt and bewildered l am so angry that once they get to school teachers take them a way from you nan. I have started my diet again today ! l know l know but all l can do is keep persevering l made a promise to Del that l would be in that little green dress on Christmas day and l have to not only for him but for me as well. Robert sent mum an e mail saying my latest poem on Mk.com is about him it isn't nan its about how we face up to life without you. Its a good job he hasn't read the one on here our little secret huh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Nanny

Sorry nanny l know its been a couple of days, l have been decorating the living room and kitchen this house is such a dive we thought we better cheer it up. It reminded me of last year when l painted the outside toilet l only did that because l didn't want you to struggle on the stairs if you needed a wee. You used to be the same as me in that respect its definitely a cook women trait although Jayne doesn't have it. I am always busting for the toilet and l hardly ever drink. Its been a quiet week nanny l still miss you more and more each day.Its not geting any better the anger at Robert grows every day and l don't know how to stop it. We want to know what happened in your last days was he nasty to you, did you tell him you felt really bad did he feed you did he give you a drink.I can't believe we will never ever see you again nanny.

Sarah xx

Dear Nanny

Hi Nanny its been a day or so l'm sorry l got stressed out with the kids and then l went to see mum l am going to try and get over there more to keep her siprits up. She misses you none of us can believe its real at the moment its so hard trying to come to terms with it. All people keep saying is that you had a good run and that is so cruel because l think you had years left in you nan. There is so much that we didn't get to say to you.
I wrote another poem for you and eric put it on the paper for me. l can't think of anything cheerful to write anymore, maybe l will in time but life doesn't seem worth living anymore without you here. I wrote a poem for Robert as well l won't send it to him it will probably just give him something else to feel sorry for himself about! Here it is l bet it will give you a laugh.

Robert
You wallowed in self pity and shit,
and nanny bore the brunt of it.
we told you time and time again,
now lives will never be the same.

Its us who should be acting devoid,
its our lives that youv'e destroyed.
You took away nans hope and fight,
Robert you put out the light.

Has this been your wake up call,
Do you see you could have stopped it all.
You show absolutely no emotion,
Thats nans prize for her devotion.

I wondered earlier if you were here would you tell us to forgive him? l can't nanny he took you away from us.You will be amazed this is day 3 of my diet and its still going okay l have to stay focused if l want to suceed at this god can you imagine the talk at playgroup if l put it back on!

Have to do the kids tea now nanny so l will talk to you later or tomorrow.

Love sarah x

Dear Nanny

Well its just you and me in the house today all the kids are at school and Daniel has gone to work.I have been thinking about you all night nanny, I had to ask mum if the last time l saw you was before or after the twin s party because the guilt of me not talking to you on the phone that day is eating me up. I am so sorry nanny l guess l thought it didn't matter at the time cos theres always tomorrow but now l know sometimes tomorrow never comes.I wish l could see you again even just one last time to tell you l love you.

I don't understand why life goes on when someone like you has gone you don't deserve to be dead, you had such a big family who loves you. You will live on in our hearts and someone says if you live on in our hearts you will never be dead. Emmerdale was on the other day and l know you loved your soaps. Grayson came back with a gun and all l could think was that you saw the first part of that story but you will never know the second bit. I can't do anything at the moment without thinking of you nanny. I cry at the slightest thing. I will never forgive robert for robbing us of you. He wallowed in self pity while you were dying. When you went into Milton keynes still he didn't wake up. I hate him for what he did. I hate him for what he is a pathetic excuse for a man.

My diet didn't go to well yesterday l mucked it up nan. Del has took the key to the sweet cuboard to work with him so that should help. I will let you know later. I have to rescue it before its to late. You know my saying its like a winter coat "off in the summer on in the winter"!! I love you nan i still see you standing in front of me. You were so happy at Jaynes wedding, Why did he have to destroy you? you gave your whole life for that pig and his family and he destroyed you.
The only thing good about the fact that he lives while you are dead that his guilt will torment him for ever. Every day when he wakes up in that house he will be reminded of what he had and lost. I miss you nanny.

Dear Nanny

Your'e the sun in the morning light,
Your'e the stars that come out at night.

Your'e the wind and the rain,
Nan life will never be the same.

I don't understand why life goes on,
I don't understand why it went wrong.

Wherever l am, whatever l feel,
It don't seem right and it don't seem real.

Dear Nanny

Well this is the first time l have had a bit of peace to write to you nanny, you know how busy my house is full of screaming kids! I want to be on my own to write to you without people looking over my shoulder. I miss you nanny l find it so hard to realise that we are never going to see you again. I don't know if it will get easier over time because we can't come to terms with the fact that you died alone in hospital because those scum you lived with couldn't bring themselves to ring us and tell us you were in hospital. You know nan we would have been there for you in a heartbeat. We are left with so many in onlys. I sent you a postcard on the day before you went in to hospital l would love to know if you got it because it said that l loved you and you could ring me anytime l will never know if the freak gave it to you.They dragged you all the way to Norwich when they must have seen you weren't in a fit state to travel. I think they took you so you couldn't call for help. They know you would have rang us so they had to get you out of the way. I know how much you loved them nan and thats why you stayed but l will never ever ever forgive them for what they did to you our nanny. I promised you on the day of the funeral that when it was over l would never speak to them again and l will keep that promise l will not be nice to the people who put you in the ground. Your son is starting to feel the guilt now and l am glad l hope it eats him alive for the rest of his life nanny because thats what he deserves. That should be his punishment for what he did to you. For a son to treat his mother , the woman who gave him life like that is despicable.

My diet is going bad at the moment l know when l last saw you nanny you told me l'd done well but l have let it slip in the last few weeks it didn't seem so important but obviously l have to start it again for my health and because l have chucked all my big clothes in the bin!!! I will start again today and l will keep you updated if thats all right if l can write to you it will take my mind off eating. Derek has missed two appointments at the docters you know what he's like! he's managing to keep his weight down though which is more than l can do. He lost 8 pounds in the first couple of weeks he has put 3 back on but he even managed to lose weight eating pasties in cornwall. He thought that was really funny cos l put on 5 pounds. You would have laughed to see us on holiday we were soaked. I bought you a stick of rock nanny l threw it away because keeping it in the house would upset me.

You know how l am with christmas shopping earlier and earlier every year? l bought your present in January and l feel so bad every time l think about it . i am going to put it on your grave on Christmas day because no one else should have what was meant for you.

I looked at the photo on the back of your order of service and it was as if you were coming out of the page nan. Your face is still so alive to me and l still cry at least twice a day because l can't believe we will never see you again. No party will ever be the same again. My poem was so right when l said your loss is a bitter pill to swallow. Do you remember some of my poems? you laughed at the one s at the wedding. I will put them on here again for you tomorrow so you can read them again.

I will go now because l have to tidy up before l pick the twins up from school. I will speak to you later and let you know how they got on.

Love Sarah x

Dear Nanny

Sorry l didn't write yesterday l was so drained after the events of the day l came straight in and fell asleep, First of all it was the twins first day at big school del and l took them. Adam cried his eyes out. Daisy just went straight in and sat down she takes it all in her stride. Its been such a long week building up to the funeral. Robert has continued with all his shit and we have kept it together for you and mum. He blames himself and l am glad l hope the guilt eats him alive because if it hadn't been for his wallowing in self pity you would still be here. I wish we could rewind and get you out of that hell hole.

You would have been proud today dad put a suit on! he put a suit on and he escorted you with us on your last journey down the high street to the church.I hope you were watching over us nanny l like to think thats how it is. I believe their is another life and you are smiling down on us.
You stopped the traffic nanny how about that!

Walking behind you was hard to do Stephen and Daniel broke down But it was important that they said goodbye to you properly.

I read my poem in church l wobbled at the start but l thought of how you used to smile at my poems and that got me through. Derek told me he was proud of me and that meant so much nanny. Kieran looked every bit the geek. I know you loved him nanny but the bloke really needs help. He didn't shed one tear and he is the reason your'e there. I hate him. I disown him from this day on l owe that to you nanny.

Dear Nanny

I meant to tell you earlier when l saw you you looked really peaceful like you were asleep we sat with you for an hour and it was really nice just me Jayne and you.We are going to walk behind you on friday Nanny i think its fitting that we see you down the street one last time l don't want you coming down the street on your own.

Dear Nanny

Jayne and l went to see you yesterday nanny in the funeral home, people told us not to that we should remember you as we last saw you but l felt l owed it to you nanny to say a proper goodbye. You looked so ill the last time l saw you and now l am full of "if onlys" I wish now we had come to get you for the twins party you never ever missed one and we should have made sure you didn't miss that one. I wish l had rung you and not been put off by the "freak" he has a lot to answer for nanny. I know l shouldn't be bitter but you should still be here Kieran kept you from us and l can never forgive him for that. They had two days to call us and tell us that you were in hospital but the CHOSE not to,of course they can say now they regret it big deal. We have to live with that for the rest of our lives and you paid the ultimate price. You gave the last twenty odd years to raising that freak as if he was your own son for him to turn on you. Our only consolation is that now you are at peace and they can never hurt you again.

I will make sure nanny that you are never forgotten that my children remember you for that special,warm and loving nanny that you we know you were

Day Six

Nan you lived a life that was simple and pure,
Your'e with the angels now wer'e sure.

Day Five

Nanny's coming home! She has been in the hospital morgue since sunday morning whilst arrangements were made she is going to the funeral home today so she can lay in peace their until the funeral which is next friday.

Day Four

My Nan


Nan youv'e left a hole we can never fill,
Life has changed time stands still.
In the weeks and months that follow,
Your loss is a bitter pill to swallow.

Our memories will keep you alive,
And to make you proud we will strive.
As we try to get through each day,
We remember you in our own special way.

In future we will keep you a chair,
Though not in body your spirit is their.
In future we will raise a glass,
To you and us and good times past.
In future we will have to blink,
I'm sure l see your naughty wink.

Nan our only comfort is that at least,
Now Nan you can rest in peace.

day three

Today l cried l promised myself that l wouldn't and l have held myself together but today it got the better of me. I keep thinking of my nan laying on a cold slab in the hospital morgue and that is really hard to deal with l now know why people say remember them as you last saw them. I remember her always so busy and full of life its so hard to deal with the fact that she is dead. All of us are having to find a way to deal with our grief we all have our "if onlys". I wish l had called her after l saw her at mums l wish l had gone to see her. I wish when she was here l hadn't taken her back to that house but she wanted to go.

Daniel my eldest has taken it really hard this is the first time any of us have had to deal with death directly and its really hard. He wants to use £100 of his wages to pay for a big flower arrangement.I am going to let him because thats his way of coping and l think its admirable for a lad of his age to want to do that for his nan.

My brother thinks someone who my mum hates and didn't know my nan should come to the funeral.I am furious and told him so. This is about us grieving for my nan and mum saying goodbye to her mum not a public spectacle for the town gypo.

Day Two

Its the 2nd day and l don't think the reality of it has sunk in yet, We heard today that my uncle wasn' with her when she died because he was "depressed". A woman of 84 lives her whole life to die without her family around her. If we had known where she was we would have been their in a flash.

The last time l spoke to her she said she was going to knit my four year old daughter some baby clothes for her doll because she hasn't seen her in so long she felt bad because she wasn't at their birthday party in July. At the bottom of this page is a video of her at my mums birthday party two years ago.She was always at the centre of everything. It will never be possible to fill the whole that she has left.

When my 16 year old son was two he called her "Nanny whitehead" we thought she would be so offended but she loved it and has been known as nanny whitehead ever since by all the grandchildren.

I remember my nan as someone who always has a laugh she used to come down every sunday when we were kids, she never missed a christmas day evening at our house when we were younger and even after we all left home and started having our own children she would never miss a day and we would never dream of missing a day with her.

Tribute to my Nan

Today my sister rang me and told me that my nan had died, I wasn't shocked, when l saw her a month ago my first thought was that she wouldn't live to see christmas and l was right. My nan a feisty woman who was as strong as an ox was a shell of her former self. She had disapeared before our very eyes and it is totally down to the piece of ---t who was supposed to be caring for her.

Its a long story but its irrelavent the life of my nan is whats important, this is a tribute to a very special lady who was a major part of all our lives untill she was taken from us in the cruelest way possible. While she lay dying in hospital we lay sleeping because her "carers" didn't ring us to tell us she was in hospital. How do we live with that.