Dear Nanny

Well this is the first time l have had a bit of peace to write to you nanny, you know how busy my house is full of screaming kids! I want to be on my own to write to you without people looking over my shoulder. I miss you nanny l find it so hard to realise that we are never going to see you again. I don't know if it will get easier over time because we can't come to terms with the fact that you died alone in hospital because those scum you lived with couldn't bring themselves to ring us and tell us you were in hospital. You know nan we would have been there for you in a heartbeat. We are left with so many in onlys. I sent you a postcard on the day before you went in to hospital l would love to know if you got it because it said that l loved you and you could ring me anytime l will never know if the freak gave it to you.They dragged you all the way to Norwich when they must have seen you weren't in a fit state to travel. I think they took you so you couldn't call for help. They know you would have rang us so they had to get you out of the way. I know how much you loved them nan and thats why you stayed but l will never ever ever forgive them for what they did to you our nanny. I promised you on the day of the funeral that when it was over l would never speak to them again and l will keep that promise l will not be nice to the people who put you in the ground. Your son is starting to feel the guilt now and l am glad l hope it eats him alive for the rest of his life nanny because thats what he deserves. That should be his punishment for what he did to you. For a son to treat his mother , the woman who gave him life like that is despicable.

My diet is going bad at the moment l know when l last saw you nanny you told me l'd done well but l have let it slip in the last few weeks it didn't seem so important but obviously l have to start it again for my health and because l have chucked all my big clothes in the bin!!! I will start again today and l will keep you updated if thats all right if l can write to you it will take my mind off eating. Derek has missed two appointments at the docters you know what he's like! he's managing to keep his weight down though which is more than l can do. He lost 8 pounds in the first couple of weeks he has put 3 back on but he even managed to lose weight eating pasties in cornwall. He thought that was really funny cos l put on 5 pounds. You would have laughed to see us on holiday we were soaked. I bought you a stick of rock nanny l threw it away because keeping it in the house would upset me.

You know how l am with christmas shopping earlier and earlier every year? l bought your present in January and l feel so bad every time l think about it . i am going to put it on your grave on Christmas day because no one else should have what was meant for you.

I looked at the photo on the back of your order of service and it was as if you were coming out of the page nan. Your face is still so alive to me and l still cry at least twice a day because l can't believe we will never see you again. No party will ever be the same again. My poem was so right when l said your loss is a bitter pill to swallow. Do you remember some of my poems? you laughed at the one s at the wedding. I will put them on here again for you tomorrow so you can read them again.

I will go now because l have to tidy up before l pick the twins up from school. I will speak to you later and let you know how they got on.

Love Sarah x