Dear Nanny

Hi Nanny its been a day or so l'm sorry l got stressed out with the kids and then l went to see mum l am going to try and get over there more to keep her siprits up. She misses you none of us can believe its real at the moment its so hard trying to come to terms with it. All people keep saying is that you had a good run and that is so cruel because l think you had years left in you nan. There is so much that we didn't get to say to you.
I wrote another poem for you and eric put it on the paper for me. l can't think of anything cheerful to write anymore, maybe l will in time but life doesn't seem worth living anymore without you here. I wrote a poem for Robert as well l won't send it to him it will probably just give him something else to feel sorry for himself about! Here it is l bet it will give you a laugh.

Robert
You wallowed in self pity and shit,
and nanny bore the brunt of it.
we told you time and time again,
now lives will never be the same.

Its us who should be acting devoid,
its our lives that youv'e destroyed.
You took away nans hope and fight,
Robert you put out the light.

Has this been your wake up call,
Do you see you could have stopped it all.
You show absolutely no emotion,
Thats nans prize for her devotion.

I wondered earlier if you were here would you tell us to forgive him? l can't nanny he took you away from us.You will be amazed this is day 3 of my diet and its still going okay l have to stay focused if l want to suceed at this god can you imagine the talk at playgroup if l put it back on!

Have to do the kids tea now nanny so l will talk to you later or tomorrow.

Love sarah x

Dear Nanny

Well its just you and me in the house today all the kids are at school and Daniel has gone to work.I have been thinking about you all night nanny, I had to ask mum if the last time l saw you was before or after the twin s party because the guilt of me not talking to you on the phone that day is eating me up. I am so sorry nanny l guess l thought it didn't matter at the time cos theres always tomorrow but now l know sometimes tomorrow never comes.I wish l could see you again even just one last time to tell you l love you.

I don't understand why life goes on when someone like you has gone you don't deserve to be dead, you had such a big family who loves you. You will live on in our hearts and someone says if you live on in our hearts you will never be dead. Emmerdale was on the other day and l know you loved your soaps. Grayson came back with a gun and all l could think was that you saw the first part of that story but you will never know the second bit. I can't do anything at the moment without thinking of you nanny. I cry at the slightest thing. I will never forgive robert for robbing us of you. He wallowed in self pity while you were dying. When you went into Milton keynes still he didn't wake up. I hate him for what he did. I hate him for what he is a pathetic excuse for a man.

My diet didn't go to well yesterday l mucked it up nan. Del has took the key to the sweet cuboard to work with him so that should help. I will let you know later. I have to rescue it before its to late. You know my saying its like a winter coat "off in the summer on in the winter"!! I love you nan i still see you standing in front of me. You were so happy at Jaynes wedding, Why did he have to destroy you? you gave your whole life for that pig and his family and he destroyed you.
The only thing good about the fact that he lives while you are dead that his guilt will torment him for ever. Every day when he wakes up in that house he will be reminded of what he had and lost. I miss you nanny.

Dear Nanny

Your'e the sun in the morning light,
Your'e the stars that come out at night.

Your'e the wind and the rain,
Nan life will never be the same.

I don't understand why life goes on,
I don't understand why it went wrong.

Wherever l am, whatever l feel,
It don't seem right and it don't seem real.

Dear Nanny

Well this is the first time l have had a bit of peace to write to you nanny, you know how busy my house is full of screaming kids! I want to be on my own to write to you without people looking over my shoulder. I miss you nanny l find it so hard to realise that we are never going to see you again. I don't know if it will get easier over time because we can't come to terms with the fact that you died alone in hospital because those scum you lived with couldn't bring themselves to ring us and tell us you were in hospital. You know nan we would have been there for you in a heartbeat. We are left with so many in onlys. I sent you a postcard on the day before you went in to hospital l would love to know if you got it because it said that l loved you and you could ring me anytime l will never know if the freak gave it to you.They dragged you all the way to Norwich when they must have seen you weren't in a fit state to travel. I think they took you so you couldn't call for help. They know you would have rang us so they had to get you out of the way. I know how much you loved them nan and thats why you stayed but l will never ever ever forgive them for what they did to you our nanny. I promised you on the day of the funeral that when it was over l would never speak to them again and l will keep that promise l will not be nice to the people who put you in the ground. Your son is starting to feel the guilt now and l am glad l hope it eats him alive for the rest of his life nanny because thats what he deserves. That should be his punishment for what he did to you. For a son to treat his mother , the woman who gave him life like that is despicable.

My diet is going bad at the moment l know when l last saw you nanny you told me l'd done well but l have let it slip in the last few weeks it didn't seem so important but obviously l have to start it again for my health and because l have chucked all my big clothes in the bin!!! I will start again today and l will keep you updated if thats all right if l can write to you it will take my mind off eating. Derek has missed two appointments at the docters you know what he's like! he's managing to keep his weight down though which is more than l can do. He lost 8 pounds in the first couple of weeks he has put 3 back on but he even managed to lose weight eating pasties in cornwall. He thought that was really funny cos l put on 5 pounds. You would have laughed to see us on holiday we were soaked. I bought you a stick of rock nanny l threw it away because keeping it in the house would upset me.

You know how l am with christmas shopping earlier and earlier every year? l bought your present in January and l feel so bad every time l think about it . i am going to put it on your grave on Christmas day because no one else should have what was meant for you.

I looked at the photo on the back of your order of service and it was as if you were coming out of the page nan. Your face is still so alive to me and l still cry at least twice a day because l can't believe we will never see you again. No party will ever be the same again. My poem was so right when l said your loss is a bitter pill to swallow. Do you remember some of my poems? you laughed at the one s at the wedding. I will put them on here again for you tomorrow so you can read them again.

I will go now because l have to tidy up before l pick the twins up from school. I will speak to you later and let you know how they got on.

Love Sarah x

Dear Nanny

Sorry l didn't write yesterday l was so drained after the events of the day l came straight in and fell asleep, First of all it was the twins first day at big school del and l took them. Adam cried his eyes out. Daisy just went straight in and sat down she takes it all in her stride. Its been such a long week building up to the funeral. Robert has continued with all his shit and we have kept it together for you and mum. He blames himself and l am glad l hope the guilt eats him alive because if it hadn't been for his wallowing in self pity you would still be here. I wish we could rewind and get you out of that hell hole.

You would have been proud today dad put a suit on! he put a suit on and he escorted you with us on your last journey down the high street to the church.I hope you were watching over us nanny l like to think thats how it is. I believe their is another life and you are smiling down on us.
You stopped the traffic nanny how about that!

Walking behind you was hard to do Stephen and Daniel broke down But it was important that they said goodbye to you properly.

I read my poem in church l wobbled at the start but l thought of how you used to smile at my poems and that got me through. Derek told me he was proud of me and that meant so much nanny. Kieran looked every bit the geek. I know you loved him nanny but the bloke really needs help. He didn't shed one tear and he is the reason your'e there. I hate him. I disown him from this day on l owe that to you nanny.

Dear Nanny

I meant to tell you earlier when l saw you you looked really peaceful like you were asleep we sat with you for an hour and it was really nice just me Jayne and you.We are going to walk behind you on friday Nanny i think its fitting that we see you down the street one last time l don't want you coming down the street on your own.

Dear Nanny

Jayne and l went to see you yesterday nanny in the funeral home, people told us not to that we should remember you as we last saw you but l felt l owed it to you nanny to say a proper goodbye. You looked so ill the last time l saw you and now l am full of "if onlys" I wish now we had come to get you for the twins party you never ever missed one and we should have made sure you didn't miss that one. I wish l had rung you and not been put off by the "freak" he has a lot to answer for nanny. I know l shouldn't be bitter but you should still be here Kieran kept you from us and l can never forgive him for that. They had two days to call us and tell us that you were in hospital but the CHOSE not to,of course they can say now they regret it big deal. We have to live with that for the rest of our lives and you paid the ultimate price. You gave the last twenty odd years to raising that freak as if he was your own son for him to turn on you. Our only consolation is that now you are at peace and they can never hurt you again.

I will make sure nanny that you are never forgotten that my children remember you for that special,warm and loving nanny that you we know you were